Grudges Will “Protect” You ‘Til They Consume You

If there’s one thing I learned this year that I should’ve learned earlier in life, it’s not to hold grudges.

There were people who did me wrong in the past, and I recall each one of them—and how they’ve wronged me—with passion. I’ve been keeping score over the years… and even if I felt that way, it was valid at the moment.

It was valid because I had a voice inside trying to protect me: fear.

Fear is a friend. Fear is there to keep us from harm: from being ridiculed, hurt again, being led into dangerous and unhealthy relationships…

I remember praying to God to keep me away from people I’ve had conflict with. The conflict didn’t have to be something major, sometimes a hurtful remark sprinkled carelessly by people (mostly relatives and my mother) is enough to make me ask for such divine intervention.

“Keep them away, God,” asking to repel them like pests, “for peace of mind.”

Ahh, “peace of mind…”*

I start my day with a routine that consists of some meditation. Really basic affirmations to “clear” the vibe. And there’s that inner nudge that tells me I have to make peace with my fears, but instead I just keep them at bay where they “belong”… for “peace of mind” as usual. Out of sight, out of mind.

But, over time, I began to feel like a hypocrite, selectively clearing the negative vibrations while keeping the other fears “on file,” “just in case.”

I learned to face my fears.

It’s easier to say you’d jump out of an airplane and conquer your fear of heights than to face the issues that really make up your rather limited view of life.

The fears that seem “insignificant” like rejection, being judged, misunderstood, hurt… the little things that are easy to ignore yet get invasive over time as they turn into insecurities, diseases, hate, anger, and resentment.

I once heard in a podcast that beliefs are “living beings” there to protect you, but you have to let go of them eventually when they no longer serve a purpose. So I finally tackled each one of them, a couple at a time, in my morning rituals.

Feels shitty at first, to be honest.

It takes a lot of courage to accept that the beliefs you fought for were because of some limited understanding, mostly on your part. People are just people, and there are things that you really need to let go of. To be free, to feel truly deserving, to get the most out of life.

And so I talked to my mother.

We had a rough relationship. I didn’t grow up with her, so we both had assumptions about each other. We barely knew each other, but we did try our best… but it always ended up a disaster. I finally decided one day in 2019 to lie low.

I prayed to God we’d never meet again. No kidding.

But two weeks ago, she had to come home to the Philippines to attend a wedding. She reached out, and at first it felt like an inconvenience. But I later realized I can’t live like this forever. I asked myself the question: What do I really fear in this situation?

I feared a lot of things. Being hurt, misunderstood, underestimated, compared to my “better” siblings…

And each one of them I tackled. I thanked each one of those beliefs, acknowledged that they were valid at some point, and let them go.

“Thank you for trying to protect me from harm. I acknowledge that you exist and I accept that I had to hold on to you for safety for some time. You’re no longer serving any purpose, and I’m ready to let you go. ”

The reconciliation was far from emotional. We ate out, did things as usual, we never talked about each other’s feelings. I just felt that we were both free from old thoughts and fears. We were two stronger women and parted ways without drama.

I sent her a simple message after dropping her at the airport.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong with my assumptions.”

And that one sentence sums up everything I felt and feared for years. I had assumptions and I didn’t take the time to really investigate if they’re wrong. I was wrong and the negativity just sent me— especially my health— to a downward spiral.

If you have negative emotions towards anyone, luck won’t find you. You won’t find “real peace of mind” and won’t be able to experience love—in its truest, purest form.

You can be more careful,
but you can’t stay fearful.